Sandy asks…
Is this a good beginning?
Jace cast a bored glance around the hall, leaning lazily back in his chair. Even the Shutterbugs swarming in front of the stage had lowered their cameras and microphones, the incessant whirring and clicking that had been focused on the lone boy fading to nothing. Chatter bounced off the mahogany panelled walls, guests milling about on the balconies and sipping from their champagne flutes. They often peered over the intricately carved railings at the stage below, pitying the boy who sat isolated on the glaringly lit stage. In front, Jace’s soldiers sat rigidly in their cushioned seats, eyes shaded by their glossy helmets. They had been waiting for three hours for the ceremony to begin, but hadn’t shifted from their positions since they had filed into their chairs. Behind them was a sea of empty, velvet chairs and crimson carpeting. Pillars of dark marble lined the walls and cherry tapestries swung from each before finishing with a loop around the cold stone. The hall was a luxury compared to the dull basics that most of the city experienced, but those who had the privilege to be invited indulged in such extravagance every day anyway. Most households wouldn’t dream of owning such silky dresses in their closets; the women on the balconies donned in every colour of the rainbow and glittering with jewels that were allowed to so few. The only ones not dressed to impress were the guards who stood at the back of each balcony like a statue, their guns sleek in their holsters.
‘This is a waste of time’. Jace thought, raking a hand through hazel coloured curls. The whole ceremony was on hold for that one person, but the hundred spectators and thousands eagerly glued to their televisions didn’t dare to grumble. It had amused Jace at first that no-one risked attracting the attention of the guards that silently protected them, but as the heat cranked up under his best suit the private smile had slipped from his face. Tilting his head back, he squinted as the lights glared in his ash tinted eyes; the flecks of gold in his irises glinting.
Suddenly, the screech of tyres pierced through the hubbub. As one, heads jerked towards the door. Scurrying back to their assigned seats, there was an excited intake of breath as marching footsteps got louder and louder. Jace braced himself in his seat. The Shutterbugs aimed their cameras, flashes glittering in the darkness as the lights were dimmed. Fast paced music began to play, dramatic recording booming through the hall as everyone scrambled to their feet. It was the typical anthem that played in these events, the same instruments used every, single time. Jace stood sluggishly, stretching his legs and smoothing the wrinkles in his trousers. The doors crashed open.
Tuxedoed bodyguards stormed through the doors, thick soled boots marching down the aisle. Approaching the podium, Jace shuddered as one turned to face him. Or at least he assumed that the milky white eyes were trained on him. Her bodyguards were dangerous, yet chosen specially for their disabilities. Most were either blind or deaf, but this wasn’t much of a hindrance to them. Jace had never seen one bodyguard alone, always working in a group as one person. Icy shivers shoot down his spine.
The men parted. They bowed their heads as their President stepped lightly onto the stage, refusing the hand proffered from her guards and head held proud. Jace stretched his aching legs, smoothing the wrinkles from his suit. Phoenix approached the podium, the sea green fold of her dress cascading to the floor and rippling like a wave. Nothing in the room glittered as bright as the diamonds peppering her fair curls like stars, her simple self a pure embodiment of the insane opulence that the select nobility in the city indulged in. Jace felt the ravenous eyes drink in their leader. She was the perfect figurehead, but nothing could mask her youth.
“Welcome, people of Crux.” Phoenix smiled into the microphone, slender hands gripping the altar. “As you know, we are a city to be proud of. Our homes are safe, our children are well and our families wholesome.” Her seventeen year old lips spat the last word with distaste and scepticism. No-one batted an eye, but many had heard the rumours that had been hissed from ear to ear. Her history was shadowed, her heritage a mystery.
Any criticism or comments will be much appreciated! As a thirteen year old writer, I would like as many tips as possible. :-)
admin answers:
Thank you for answering mine – really helped! :)
My answer for you…
Praise:
Well I think for a thirteen year old, it’s amazing. I’m sixteen and I know a lot of people my age probably couldn’t write as good a description or opening as that. You definitely have a passion for writing I’m guessing? :)
I thought it was a good beginning, everything made sense, and I could picture the place you were talking about fairly well.
Constructive criticism:
I think try not to get TOO carried away when you describe things, I mean I definitely think you are very good at describing objects, surroundings, what the people are wearing, etc. However, and this depends on what type of book you’re trying to write, and who it’s aimed at as well, but for me personally, I find I get irritated when a book has TOO much ‘sparkly, flouncy, gleamy, extravagant… Type of descriptions. It sometimes starts to become too much of a mouthful. I mean, not saying it isn’t well described, but just be careful not go too over the top trying to use as many clever/unusual describing words as you can, wherever you can fit them in. Though, I think what you’ve written so far is very good, and as I say, it really depends on the genre of book, who it’s aimed etc… (in my opinion).
Also, there are a few sentences which are worded slightly wrong/oddly.
No.1:
“the same instruments used every, single time.”
– To me, when I was reading this, it didn’t work because the comma is in an awkward place and I think I know how you intended it to work. So, I think you should either write it like:
“the same instruments used every single time.”
Or:
“the same instruments used every, single, time.”
(not sure if you’re meant to put commas or full-stops there, but I think you get what I’m saying, just word it differently/move the comma so it isn’t awkward to read).
No.2:
“Icy shivers shoot down his spine.”
– Here, you’ve used a different tense to what the rest of the piece is written in. You should have said:
“Icy shivers shot down his spine.”
I hope I helped, for the first ‘criticism’ I wrote, that was mainly based on opinion (but could be true), so ask some other opinions of older, more established writers like a teacher if you can/want to, but yes!
There may be other little things I could have seen, but I think you should check it through yourself as you probably realised most of this anyway. You have a talent, and I think it sounds like it will turn out a really good story. Good luck, hun!
Chris asks…
How does this story idea and the creatures sound?
Angeline Oman finds an old box in an old house and was tempted to open it, she stops herself but her brother carelessly ignores her and opens it, out came a host of 13 demons that plan to wreak havoc on the planet, not by fire or supernatural means, but by corrupting humankind with pride, greed, warmongering, and prejudice. It is up to Angeline and a few people (who knew about the box) to stop these demons or humanity will kill itself. The demons of box are named;
Termagant-are fierce devil-woman with tousled hair, bulging eyes, flushed faces, red palms, dressed in long dresses with short sleeves. They also have sharp teeth and nails. They fight with spears, whips, shields, and hatchets. They are aggressive, domineering, forceful, shrewish, overbearing, loud, foul-mouthed, unendingly bitter, hypercritical, stubborn, malicious and violent.
Charmling-are handsome and gentlemanly knights and princes with pearly skins, blue eyes, blondish hair, and slender bodies. But their armor is black and smelled of death and decay. Their swords, shields, daggers, even their blood was black. As men they are chivalrous and proper, but in armor they are immoral and savage. They rape and attack women who refuse their chivalry, hang clergymen, rob from soldiers, beat up minorities, and desecrate national symbols.
Sylphid-are fairy-like beings who appear as young women with long disheveled hair, dressed in long white dresses, barefooted, bedecked with flowers and clear skin. These fairy beings act very tragic in a delusional way; they are deranged, bipolar, wild, creepy, shallow, bubbly, eccentric, girlish, quirky, and fight with either axes or hammers.
Urgine-a spiritual (literally) woman who has golden hair, blue eyes, ivory skin, and dressed in white and silver. These female spirits are extremely prudish, sanctimonious, cold, prim and proper, ladylike, docile, and smug. They believe in their own virtue as superior and become berserk when highly provoked. They possess superhuman strength.
Incantrix-are enchantresses with vermilion-red hair, rotten teeth, crimson nails, no eyebrows and dressed in serpent skins. They are highly amorous, sneaky, impudent, and bold. They love to seduce moral/upright men with their facade beauty and silvery voices, if the man refuses, they become agitated and sour. They can turn into red snakes with arms and legs, and drain men’s blood to drink.
Bestian-a wicked alchemist/magician with russet-colored hair, green/blue beards, tiger teeth and glassy silver noses. They are the male counterparts of the Incantrix; they are seductive toward moral/upright women but have bloodthirsty and murderous thoughts of them. They fight with sharp swords and commit cannibalism.
Mollycoddler-an ogress with a fat body, short gray hair, puffy eyes, chubby legs, chubby cheeks, plain-looking, crooked teeth, double chin, and dressed with a kerchief and apron. These ogresses kidnap children and keep them as their own until they literally squeeze them to death. They are overprotective, smothering, pushy, overbearing, aggressive, and naggy.
Swasher-are devilish swordsmen with long curly hair, bright eyes, clean-shaven faces,
pearly teeth and dressed in black and white clothing. These swordsmen are rough, noisy, boastful, piratical, foppish, caddish, flirtatious and sly. They are skilled duelists, rioters, brawlers, hedonists, and heartless womanizers who leave their women abandoned and miserable.
Oroonoko-are wild men with tattooed skin, dark dreadlocks, blue eyes and painted masks. They are primitive demons who adore nature and are repulsively disgusted of civilization and city life. They are dignified, stoic, unfriendly, alcoholic, morally snobbish and believe in honor-killing.
Scroggie-are beastly men with wild red hair, silver horns, green eyes, goatees, golden teeth, and dressed in monk-robes. They are lecherous, miserly, luxuriant, lustful, and greedy. They are worldly clergymen who dress extravagantly with jewels, hoarding their money bags, gulping down whiskey, and dining with lovely young women.
Pythoness-are wretched, grumpy old women with eagle noses, stringy hair, black shawls, pale skin, and a few brown warts. They are witches and fortune-tellers, cooks and cannibals, gardeners and grave-robbers, sweet-talkers and child-abusers. They are psychopathic and megalomanical.
Vulgarian-are unpleasant and rude men with long dirty hair, warty noses, few missing teeth and foul-smelling. These vulgar demons are bigoted, uneducated, ignorant, improper, chauvinistic, unhygienic, brutish, superstitious, unreasonable, unchangeable, unwilling to tolerate undesirables, love eating meat, act overly macho, and prone to fussing.
Drakaina-are lovely princesses with long hair, pink or blue dresses, sparkling eyes, decked with flowers and petite statures. They can be sweet, pure and naive, and they can also be deceitful, fierce and turn into huge dragons.
admin answers:
The story idea intrigues me, but the problem starts with your characters. There are so many! If you introduce them all at one time, it will be difficult for the reader to follow and just end up with an ultimate head ache. I suggest giving each creature their separate chapter, where the protagonists will search for each to return to the box and such while giving the reader room to absorb each new character.
Also, why are these things so evil? You mention that they will lead mankind to ruination by using corruption, but I mostly see violent monsters. Perhaps you could separate each one into a category, such as a Vulgarian specifically draws out prejudice in humanity. Good luck on your book :)
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